It’s so hard to look at the lifeless body of the person who you know once loved you. A few times I just wanted him to open his eyes and say he was just kidding. I wish this wasn’t how it had to be… The boy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life to be gone..and I can’t do anything about it. I’d rather he be cuddling another person than be in the ground 6 feet under.
The worst part is watching him look so beautifully pale, his lips blue just like he had been sitting in the rain for a few hours, except I know that it’s from the embalming fluid and him sitting in a freezer trying to stop his body from decaying. I touched his arm to see what he felt like; Stiff and cold. They say the nerves stay alive for a few days and they do. When I touched his arm with my whole hand the hair on his arm prickled and his hairs stood up. I got to hold his hand one last time and I made me want to crawl into the casket with him and warm him up. Be buried with him and live happily dead after. My very own zombie boyfriend. At the end when I was deciding whether or not I should leave I just leaned over the casket and blubbered like a baby. I never want to leave him.
Bryce came with me and he cried. I’ve never seen him cry like that..it was so sad to see someone i love so much dead and people i love o much so sad. Why does it take a death so shocking to scare people into wanting to be better people? Why can’t we just be better people in the first place?
The last few nights I’ve been dreaming of him. I never remember what the dreams are about…I just remember its us laying in my bed and he turns and smiles at me and kisses me on the lips. It always ends with him telling me he will miss me. I can’t remember if it’s one of my memories of us or if it’s me trying to cope with the loss of my soulmate.
Needless to say I’ve been playing the song Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. http://youtu.be/mZ_GgOysu6o
He looked so handsome. His mom had brought his favorite Pink Floyd shirt and his favorite hat for him to buried in. She also brought his favorite stuffed animal. A moose with a missing eye. His sister told me a story about him when he was 11 and how the eye had come out and he cried and cried for hours.
His heart was too big for this world anyways. The last time I talked to him I told him I loved him and he didn’t say it back. I’ll never know if it was from forgetfulness or if he had taken back what he had said about us getting back together this weekend. I’ll never know. And it’s been killing me. I just want to talk to him again, hear his voice and hold his hand. Maybe ride the Ferris wheel. See Seattle the twinkling lights of the busy city below us and the view over the beautiful sea.
I’ll never get to do that with him and it’s killing me..not literal enough or else I might get to see him.
I’ve contemplated buying a Ouijia board to see if I could talk to him but there is that small chance he wouldn’t answer.
My grief is getting the best of me. I barely want to move. Eating and sleeping are a necessity but still I’m not getting enough of either. I just want to meet someone exactly like Brandon so I can at least fantasize that he is still him in someone else’s form wanting to be with me in this dimension…
This sadness is overwhelming and I don’t know how else to get these feelings out besides writing them out. Thank you for listening.
Oh yeah totally.
|♈ Aries:||Hyperactivity, headaches, impulsivity, recklessness, hostility, frustration, confrontation, restlessness, rapid speech, over thinking, displays of vulnerability and need for reassurance, inability to complete minor tasks|
|♉ Taurus:||Reservation; they will dissociate into their own worlds and be untouchable, binge eating, compulsivity (cleaning, organizing, hand washing), silence; anxiety will come in waves for Taurus and be sustained for a long period, sore throat, 'blank' mindedness|
|♊ Gemini:||Giggling, restlessness, rapid speech, talkativeness, tremors, hyperactivity, distractibility, racing thoughts, insomnia, inability to stay focused on and complete even minor tasks, loud and more talkative inner monologue, chest/lung discomfort|
|♋ Cancer:||Teariness, catastrophized thinking, imagination worst case scenarios, inability to stop distressing thoughts and inner monologue, drifting off/inability to focus, food cravings, isolation but co-current feelings of neediness and reassurance, stomach cramps and nausea|
|♌ Leo:||Frustration, hostility, catastrophizing (imagining and living worst case scenarios) martyrdom, impulsivity, binge eating/drinking, they tend to go out of their way to help and do things for other people/keep busy in service, back pain, somatic troubles|
|♍ Virgo:||Digestive upset, restlessness, repetitive movements (hair twirling, counting) tremor, rapid thinking, withdrawal into isolated 'bubble', compulsive tasks (cleaning, organizing), need to keep busy and distracted may pace back and forth|
|♎ Libra:||Unusual quietness, increased needs for re assurance, stomach upset, restlessness, distractibility, insomnia, negative inner monologue, catastrophized imagination, repetitive hand motions, inability to explain themselves or say they are unwell|
|♏ Scorpio:||Increased need for control, hostility, violent frustration (wall kicking, throwing objects), irrationality, increased obsessiveness - they may spend hours and hours focused on one task almost manically, rejection of others though frustration they are not 'there', flashbacks|
|♐ Sagittarius:||Increased vocal volume, higher impulsivity, hostility, hyperactivity - they are liable to go out running or try to repress it physically, substance use, rapid thoughts, recklessness, giggling, distractible, back pain|
|♑ Capricorn:||Tension, overwhelming feelings of butterflies and nerves inside especially in their stomachs although they remain composed externally. Over thinking and inability to distract themselves from worst case scenario, hostility, isolation, tendency to take on more work shifts or responsibilities|
|♒ Aquarius:||Talkativeness, rapid speech, over thinking, restlessness, insomnia, confusion; Aquarians will feel anxious or nervous yet have little insight into why they feel this way or what is causing it, their minds and emotional responses are not connected, back pain|
|♓ Pisces:||Teariness, catastrophized thinking, inability to distract or change thought patterns, flashbacks, hysteria, chest discomfort, digestive upset/nausea, irrationality, distressing inner monologue, substance use, increased need for assurance|
are they just. are they just not gonna address the fact kate has apparently slept with her great great grandson